When Situationships Hurt More Than Breakups

This week, I read a comment under that old Medium post about my situationship — the one where I kept waiting for him to change, to finally choose me. Her words stopped me mid-scroll: “Her story mirrored mine… same confusion, same ‘we can still be friends’ line.”

My throat tightened instantly. Three years later, that sentence still carries the metallic taste of swallowed tears and the phantom weight of my 2020 self curled up on the bathroom floor. The details differ — maybe yours involves unanswered texts instead of broken promises, or vague “when I’m ready” timelines instead of mine’s “I’m just bad at relationships” disclaimer — but the emotional blueprint? Identical.

Here’s what no one tells you about emotional limbo: the hardest part isn’t the waiting. It’s the moment you realize you’ve been mistaking breadcrumbs for a banquet. That shift — from hoping to knowing — feels like cold water rushing into a sinking ship. Terrifying. Liberating.

Situationships thrive in the gap between what is and what could be. We become archaeologists of potential, dusting off rare moments of connection like precious artifacts. Remember that one night he stayed over? See how he texts me memes sometimes? The math never adds up, but we keep recalculating, convinced the problem lies in our accounting.

That reader’s comment brought me right back to the summer I spent deciphering Alex’s mixed signals like some lovelorn cryptographer. The 2am “u up?” texts I’d analyze for hidden meaning. The way my stomach dropped when his name appeared on my screen — equal parts hope and dread. How I’d rehearse conversations in the shower, certain the right combination of words would unlock the version of him I knew existed.

Spoiler: he didn’t.

What that kind, emotionally unavailable man taught me — through his consistent inconsistency — was revolutionary: He was not equipped. Not defective, not malicious, simply lacking the tools to build what I needed. My mistake wasn’t loving him; it was assuming my love could compensate for his emotional toolbox gaps.

If you’re reading this with someone’s name already tattooing itself behind your eyelids, know this: walking away from almost-love isn’t failure. It’s recognizing that some connections are bridges, not homes. Painful? Damn right. Necessary? Like oxygen.

That reader’s words mirrored mine because situationships follow predictable patterns — the blurred lines, the unilateral emotional labor, the Schrödinger’s commitment. But here’s what changes: you. One day you’ll look back and marvel not at how much you endured, but how little you once believed you deserved.

The Ghost of Relationships Past

That birthday was supposed to be different. I’d dropped enough hints about wanting to celebrate together – the cozy Italian place we’d walked past three times, the way I’d lingered over their dessert menu online while we video-called. When he finally said “I’ll make it work,” my stomach did that hopeful little flip I’d come to recognize as the prelude to disappointment.

The text came at 6:17pm. “Something came up with the team. Rain check?” The rational part of me knew this wasn’t emergency-level bad – people cancel plans. But my body reacted like I’d been shoved underwater. That specific combination of chest tightness, prickling behind the eyes, and the sudden need to sit down that anyone stuck in a situationship could diagram like a medical chart.

What happened next plays like a dark comedy now:

1. Immediate response: “No worries! Work comes first :)” (Lie #1)
2. Called my best friend in tears (Truth #1)
3. Scrolled his Instagram stories for clues (Distortion #1)
4. Convinced myself he’d make it up to me (Delusion #1)

This became our relationship’s operating system:

The Situationship Feedback Loop

• Phase 1: The Wait
• Hopeful anticipation (“This time will be different”)
• Physical symptoms: checking phone, daydreaming, nervous energy
• Phase 2: The Letdown
• Vague cancellation or emotional withdrawal
• Self-blame: “Maybe I came on too strong”
• Phase 3: The Overcorrection
• Increased effort to “earn” commitment
• Excuse-making for their behavior
• Secret resentment building

What made this emotional boot camp particularly brutal was the cognitive dissonance. Part of me knew exactly what was happening – I’d read enough articles about dating without commitment to spot the signs. But another part kept whispering: But what if you’re wrong? What if the next text is the one where he finally…

That’s the cruel magic of situationships. The ambiguity becomes its own addiction. The space between what is and what could be is where hope grows wildest. I’d become a master at interpreting crumbs as feasts:

• A 2am “You up?” meant he was thinking of me
• Liking my vacation photos signaled future travel plans
• Introducing me to his dog was basically a marriage proposal

Looking back, the scariest part wasn’t the disappointment – it was realizing how thoroughly I’d trained myself to accept it. The way my nervous system had rewired to interpret basic decency as extraordinary effort. How “he remembered my coffee order” had become a romantic milestone while “he canceled last minute again” faded into background noise.

That birthday became my wake-up call. Not because it was the worst thing that happened (it wasn’t), but because it highlighted the absurd lengths I’d go to avoid facing the truth. I’d rather perform mental gymnastics to justify his behavior than admit the simple, painful reality: someone who wants to be there finds ways to be there.

Situationship Survival Tip:
When you notice yourself making excuses for someone’s behavior, try this reframe:
“If my best friend told me this story, what would I say to her?”
We’re often far kinder to others than we are to ourselves.

The Boot Camp Curriculum

Looking back, I realize my situationship with Alex functioned like a rigorous emotional boot camp. The training was brutal, the drills were relentless, and the lessons — though painful — became invaluable. Here’s the unofficial curriculum we never signed up for but somehow mastered through endless repetition.

1. Midnight Text Decoding 101

The first module in this involuntary program was becoming fluent in interpreting those late-night messages. You know the ones — arriving just when you’ve convinced yourself to move on, phrased with just enough ambiguity to keep you hooked.

Case Study: That Thursday night when Alex texted “Miss your laugh” at 11:47 PM after two weeks of radio silence. Cue the analytical gymnastics:

• Does “miss” imply romantic interest or casual friendship?
• Why specify “laugh” rather than “you”?
• Does the timing indicate loneliness or genuine affection?

What I learned: Healthy relationships don’t require cryptographic skills to interpret basic communication. When someone wants you to know how they feel, they’ll say it clearly — preferably in daylight hours.

2. Social Media Archeology

Advanced coursework involved becoming an expert investigator of digital breadcrumbs. The syllabus included:

• Profile picture change analysis
• Like-to-post time ratio calculations
• Mutual friend tag interpretation

Field Exercise: Noticing he liked his ex’s vacation photo from three years ago immediately triggered:

• “Is he reminiscing?”
• “Should I ask about her?”
• “Maybe he’s comparing us?”

The breakthrough came when I realized: People who are present in your actual life don’t make you obsess over their digital artifacts. Constantly reading into online behavior is essentially relationship astrology — entertaining perhaps, but nowhere near reality.

3. Potential Fantasy Construction

The capstone project of our emotional boot camp was building elaborate castles in the air using “maybe if…” as our foundation material. Our greatest hits included:

• “Maybe if I’m more easygoing, he’ll commit”
• “Maybe if I don’t mention relationships, he’ll bring it up”
• “Maybe if I wait longer, he’ll change”

The truth bomb? Potential isn’t a relationship phase — it’s what we call someone’s qualities when they’re not actually showing up for us. Healthy partnerships are built on present reality, not future possibilities.

Boot Camp Graduation Requirement: Recognizing when you’re doing more emotional labor than the other person. If you’re constantly analyzing, adjusting, and anticipating while they’re simply… existing in the relationship, it’s time to audit your participation.

What made these lessons stick wasn’t just experiencing them, but finally understanding why we put ourselves through this training. It’s the terrifying freedom of choice — believing we have only two options: keep trying with this familiar pain, or face the unknown of starting over. But there’s a third option our boot camp instructors never mentioned: choosing yourself becomes less scary with practice, until one day it’s your default setting.

The Equipment Inspection

When we’re stuck in a situationship, we often focus on what the other person could be rather than what they are. That mental gap between potential and reality is where emotional limbo thrives. This chapter is about conducting an honest inventory – not of their flaws, but of fundamental mismatches in emotional equipment.

The Relationship Toolkit Checklist

Every healthy relationship requires certain tools from both partners. During my situationship with Alex, I kept waiting for him to magically acquire tools he simply didn’t possess. Here’s the visual comparison that finally made me understand:

Seeing this side-by-side wasn’t about blame. It was recognizing we were trying to build something with mismatched materials. As relationship expert Dr. Lisa Bobby notes, “You can’t construct a secure attachment with someone who only has casual dating blueprints.”

The Three Layers of ‘Not Equipped’

1. Emotional Vocabulary
   Alex wasn’t withholding affection intentionally – he genuinely lacked the language to articulate his feelings. When pressed about our status, he’d default to physical affection or change the subject. Many people in situationships mistake this avoidance for malice, when often it’s simply skill deficit.
2. Life Stage Alignment
   He was career-focused in ways that left little room for emotional labor. My mistake was interpreting this as “not ready for me” rather than the truth: “not oriented toward committed relationships period.”
3. Conflict Resolution Style
   Our fight-or-flight responses were fundamentally incompatible. Where I sought discussion to resolve tensions, he needed space. Neither approach is wrong – but together, they created destructive patterns.

The Upgrade Fantasy Trap

We often stay in situationships believing our love will “upgrade” their capabilities. But psychologist Jeremy Nicholson warns: “Adult attachment styles are like operating systems – they require conscious effort to update, not just better WiFi signals.”

Exercise: Try this reframe next time you’re waiting for change:
“If this person showed up exactly as they are today for the next five years, would I feel loved and secure?” Your gut reaction tells you everything.

Your Inspection Worksheet

1. List your top 3 non-negotiable relationship needs
2. Note concrete examples where they were/weren’t met
3. Identify any patterns in their behavior (not intentions)

This isn’t about keeping score – it’s recognizing when you’re trying to live in a house that’s missing essential structural beams. As I learned the hard way: no amount of interior decorating (shared memories, physical chemistry) can compensate for that.

Emotional Availability: The Missing Piece in Situationships

When I replay those nine months with Alex, one realization cuts sharper than others: our situationship wasn’t just about mismatched timing or bad luck. The core issue was emotional unavailability – that silent relationship killer so many of us encounter but rarely name.

The Language of Avoidance

Alex spoke fluent avoidance. His vocabulary included:

• “I’m not good at talking about this stuff” (translation: emotional conversations terrify me)
• “Let’s just see where things go” (translation: I want all the benefits without responsibility)
• “You’re overthinking” (translation: Your emotional needs make me uncomfortable)

These weren’t just phrases; they were emotional barricades. Like many in situationships, I became an expert at decoding his avoidance dialect while ignoring my own emotional needs.

The Emotional Labor Imbalance

Our dynamic followed a painfully common pattern:

This wasn’t negligence – it was emotional capacity mismatch. The hard truth? No amount of my emotional labor could compensate for his limitations.

Three Warning Signs I Ignored

1. The Future Talk Dodge
   Every “where is this going?” conversation ended with him looking physically pained, like I’d asked him to solve quantum physics equations.
2. The Vulnerability Void
   After six months, I knew his coffee order, gym schedule, and work frustrations – but nothing about his childhood fears or personal dreams.
3. The Crisis Contrast
   When his car got towed, I spent hours helping. When I had a family emergency? “Damn, that sucks. Hope it works out.”

Why We Stay in Emotionally Unequipped Relationships

Psychology explains our tolerance:

• The Fixer Fantasy: Believing our love can “heal” their emotional limitations
• The Proximity Illusion: Mistaking physical closeness for emotional intimacy
• The Familiarity Trap: Recreating dynamics from our past (hello, childhood attachment styles)

The Breakthrough Question

What finally shifted my perspective wasn’t another disappointment – it was asking myself:

“If this is his emotional best, could I live with it forever?”

The answer vibrated through my bones: No.

Building Your Emotional Requirements List

Now, I help others create what I needed then – a clear emotional requirements checklist:

1. Communication Style

• Can discuss feelings without shutdowns
• Initiates important conversations

1. Reciprocity

• Matches my investment level
• Shows consistent care through actions

1. Conflict Resolution

• Addresses issues directly
• Takes responsibility when appropriate

This isn’t a perfection checklist – it’s a baseline for emotional safety. Because love shouldn’t feel like an endless game of emotional charades.

“The right relationship won’t require you to constantly translate your needs into someone else’s emotional language.”

Your Turn: The Emotional Availability Audit

Try this quick reflection:

1. Recall a recent meaningful conversation – who carried the emotional weight?
2. When you’ve needed support, what was their response pattern?
3. What one emotional need do you frequently compromise on?

These answers often reveal what we already know but hesitate to acknowledge.

When Your Maps Don’t Match

Relationships thrive when two people are headed toward the same destination. But in a situationship, you’re often holding completely different maps without realizing it.

With Alex, I carried this detailed itinerary in my mind:

• Month 3: Meeting each other’s friends
• Month 6: Weekend trips together
• Year 1: Discussing exclusivity

Meanwhile, his roadmap looked more like:

• Week 1-∞: Casual hangouts when convenient
• Milestones: None planned

The Navigation Red Flags

Three unmistakable signs your relationship GPS isn’t synced:

1. The ‘Someday’ Syndrome
   Every meaningful conversation gets deferred with:

• “Let’s see where this goes”
• “I’m not ready to label things”
• “We have plenty of time”

1. Selective Availability
   You notice patterns like:

• Late-night texts but never weekend plans
• Last-minute cancellations with vague excuses
• More enthusiasm when you’re about to pull away

1. Emotional Tourism
   They enjoy the highlights without committing to the journey:

• Deep conversations but no vulnerability
• Physical intimacy without emotional intimacy
• Future talk that never materializes

Recalibrating Your Compass

What helped me finally stop waiting at the wrong station:

The 2-Week Test
For fourteen days, stop:

• Initiating contact first
• Making excuses for their behavior
• Fantasizing about potential

Document what actually happens. In my case:

• 5 days of radio silence
• 2 half-hearted memes sent at midnight
• 1 canceled plan with no reschedule

The evidence was my wake-up call.

Relationship Cartography
Make a literal side-by-side list:

Seeing the mismatch in ink made it undeniable.

The Way Forward

Healthy relationships share these navigational markers:

• Clear Checkpoints
  Mutually understood stages (dating → exclusive → committed)
• Two-Way Street
  Equal effort in planning, initiating, and compromising
• Ongoing Maintenance
  Regular check-ins about needs and expectations

It’s not about forcing someone to follow your map—it’s about finding someone whose destination naturally aligns with yours. As I learned painfully but importantly: no amount of love can compensate for fundamentally different journeys.

Conflict Resolution Mismatch: When Your Needs Don’t Fit Their Tools

One of the hardest truths I learned from my situationship was that conflict resolution styles can be fundamentally incompatible. With Alex, every disagreement followed the same exhausting pattern: my attempts to communicate would hit a wall of deflection, his discomfort would trigger withdrawal, and we’d end up in this emotional limbo where nothing got resolved but everything felt heavier.

The Three-Tiered Breakdown

1. Surface-Level Conflicts (The ‘Easy’ Stuff)
   Even minor disagreements about weekend plans or text response times became minefields. I’d approach issues directly (“When you cancel last minute, it makes me feel unimportant”), while he’d default to:

• Jokes to deflect tension
• “I’m just bad at relationships” generalizations
• Sudden topic changes to avoid discomfort

1. Core Value Clashes (The Silent Dealbreakers)
   The real fractures appeared when our fundamental needs collided:

• My need: Emotional availability during hard times
• His capacity: Support only when convenient
  Example: When my grandmother passed away, his “I’m not good with sad stuff” response revealed more than any argument could.

1. The Aftermath Cycle (Where Situationships Fester)
   We developed this toxic dance:

[My Hurt] → [His Avoidance] → [My Over-Explaining] → [His Half-Apology]
→ [Temporary Peace] → [Repeat]

Each cycle drained my emotional reserves while reinforcing his pattern of minimal effort.

The Equipment Metaphor Revisited

Remember how I said “he was not equipped”? This was most apparent in conflict. Healthy relationships need:

Like bringing a Swiss Army knife to a construction site – some tools might vaguely resemble what’s needed, but they’ll never build a stable foundation.

Your Conflict Compatibility Checklist

Ask yourself these questions if you’re in a situationship:

• After disagreements, do you feel:
• ✅ Heard and respected (even when upset)?
• ❌ More alone than before the conflict?
• Does resolution typically involve:
• ✅ Mutual understanding and adjusted behavior?
• ❌ You lowering your expectations again?
• When you’re upset, does their response:
• ✅ Match the emotional weight of the situation?
• ❌ Make you feel dramatic for having needs?

The Turning Point

What finally broke my cycle? Tracking three consecutive conflicts where:

1. My approach stayed consistent (calm, specific, solution-oriented)
2. His responses stayed identical (avoidant, vague, responsibility-shy)
3. The outcomes kept deteriorating

The pattern became undeniable – this wasn’t about me communicating better, but about fundamental mismatch in how we handled emotional friction.

“Some people simply don’t have the tools to meet your needs. No amount of patience will change that.”

This realization freed me more than any dramatic breakup speech could. Because when you stop seeing conflict as something to ‘win’ or ‘fix,’ and start seeing it as a compatibility litmus test, walking away becomes an act of self-respect rather than surrender.

The Graduation Certificate

The 30-Day Emotional Detox

Looking back at my journal entries from those first 30 days of no contact was like watching time-lapse footage of emotional healing. Here’s what the curve looked like:

Week 1:

• Day 3: “Why does my phone feel heavier even though there are fewer messages?” (Physical withdrawal symptoms)
• Day 5: Wrote then deleted 4 drafts of “Are you sure we can’t…” texts (Impulse documentation)

Week 2:

• Day 11: First morning without checking his Instagram stories (Small victories)
• Day 14: Realized I’d stopped mentally rehearsing “perfect” responses to hypothetical conversations (Cognitive shift)

Week 3-4:

• Day 22: Noticed tension leaving my shoulders during a friend’s story about her dating life (Body awareness)
• Day 30: Made weekend plans without calculating “what if he’s free” (Behavioral change)

This wasn’t linear progress – some days felt like emotional whiplash. But tracking these micro-shifts revealed an important pattern: the intensity of missing him directly correlated with how little I’d prioritized myself that day.

The Calm After the Storm

What surprised me most was the quality of emotion that eventually replaced the rollercoaster:

• Excitement vs. Calm:
• Then: Dopamine spikes from unpredictable attention
• Now: Steady warmth from predictable care (my own and others’)
• Intensity vs. Safety:
• Then: “Can’t eat, can’t sleep” obsession
• Now: Appetite for life returning alongside better boundaries

I created a simple checklist to recognize healthier connections:

[ ] Conversations leave me energized, not exhausted
[ ] Plans are made with clarity, not vague "maybes"
[ ] I don't feel compelled to explain basic needs
[ ] Disagreements don't trigger abandonment fears

Your Situationship Recovery Toolkit

1. The Evidence Ledger (Reality Check)

• Method: Two-column list comparing “His Words” vs. “Consistent Actions”
• Example:
• Promise: “I’ll plan something special for your birthday”
• Reality: Forgot the date, then suggested “making it up” weeks later

2. The Grieving Hourglass (Emotional Processing)

• Set a literal timer for 20 minutes to:
• Write unsent letters
• Curate a “lessons learned” playlist
• Then physically change locations to signal transition

3. Boundary Blueprint (Future Protection)

• Complete these statements:
• “I will immediately walk away when I notice __“
• “Before compromising again, I will first __“
• “My non-negotiable relationship nutrients are __“

Bonus: The “Phone a Friend” Emergency Card

• Pre-write three responses for weak moments:

1. “What would I tell my best friend in this situation?”
2. “Play the tape forward – where does this path really lead?”
3. “Remember Day 22 shoulders.”

Your Turn to Cross the Stage

That diploma isn’t about him – it’s your certification in self-respect. Some people are seasons, not destinations. And seasons, however beautiful, eventually change.

Discussion Starters:

• What’s one small proof you’re healing that others might not see?
• Share your #SituationshipSurvivalTip below

Further Resources:

• [Attachment Style Quiz]
• [The Power of No Contact Periods]
• [Journal Prompts for Relationship Clarity]

Closing Thoughts: Seasons and Destinations

“Some people are seasons, not destinations.” I scribbled this in my journal three months after ending things with Alex, when the fog of that emotional boot camp finally lifted. At the time, it felt like consolation. Now I understand it as liberation.

What This Journey Taught Me

1. The Math Never Works
   No matter how much time you invest (nine months or nine years), a situationship will never add up to the relationship you deserve. Those “but we have history” calculations? They always ignore the most important variable: mutual commitment.
2. Your Needs Aren’t Negotiable
   When someone says “I’m not ready” or “we can still be friends,” hear the subtext: “I cannot meet your emotional requirements.” This isn’t about your worth—it’s about their current capacity.
3. Walking Away Is a Muscle
   Leaving my situationship felt impossible… until I did it. With each day of no contact, my self-respect grew stronger. Now when I sense emotional limbo, my boundaries activate automatically.

Your Situationship Survival Kit

For those still in the trenches, here are the tools that saved me:

• The Reality Checklist
  Write down 3 concrete times they failed to show up (e.g. “Canceled our anniversary dinner for a poker night”). Keep it on your phone for weak moments.
• The 48-Hour Grieving Rule
  Set a timer. Cry, scream, eat ice cream straight from the tub. When the alarm sounds, wash your face and complete one productive act (even if it’s just laundry).
• The Boundary Phrasebook
  Memorize these:
• “I deserve clarity.”
• “Maybe isn’t good enough.”
• “I’ll be unavailable for friend hangouts.”

Let’s Keep Talking

This conversation doesn’t end here. Tag your #SituationshipSurvivalStory on Instagram—I read every one. Here are more resources that helped me heal:

• Attached by Amir Levine (understanding anxious attachment)
• The “Unf*ck Your Boundaries” workbook (practical exercises)
• 7 Cups (free online listening service)

Remember: Every ending plants seeds for a healthier beginning. Your person isn’t someone you have to convince to stay—they’re already looking for you, match in hand.