🚀 Calling All Monkey Bar Champions!
Hi! I’m Emily Walters, 9¾ (that extra quarter matters when you’re negotiating snack time), and I’m on a super important mission: finding an after school playmate in Westlake Park who understands two fundamental truths of life:
- Monkey bars were invented for epic adventures, not just “exercise”
- A well-timed toot is the pinnacle of comedy
Here’s the deal: Tuesdays & Thursdays after 4 PM are my golden hours. That’s when I transform from “school Emily” (who sometimes has to pretend to care about fractions) into “monkey bar Emily” (who can hang upside down longer than most bats). Want to join? First, let’s see if you pass the Three-Part Friendship Test:
Part 1: The Toot Test
- If you think farts are nature’s joke machine → ★★★★☆
- If you giggle when someone says “bottom” → ★★★☆☆
- If your face does this 😳 right now → 🚫 (Sorry, we can’t be friends)
Part 2: The Dress Code
- Preferred outfit: Dirt-stained knees + grass stains = ★★★★★
- Automatic disqualification: Anything with ruffles/lace/”pretty princess” vibes
Part 3: Emergency Scenario
Imagine this: We’re building a mud castle when suddenly—
A) Scream “EW!” and demand hand sanitizer
B) Declare it the Royal Mud Palace and dig moat deeper
C) Start a “who can get mud in weirder places” contest
If you picked B or C (especially C), congratulations! You might be my next Westlake Park adventure buddy. But wait—there’s one last thing…
The Ultimate Challenge: Can you watch me attempt a double backward flip on the monkey bars without:
- Telling an adult
- Saying “be careful” more than twice
- Laughing ONLY when I actually fall (this is crucial)
If you’re nodding right now (and possibly snorting laughter), keep reading. The next section explains why Mondays are my personal version of broccoli-flavored ice cream…
My Top-Secret Schedule (AKA When I Can Actually Have Fun)
Here’s the deal about my week – some days are awesome, some days are… well, let’s just say they involve soccer balls and suffering. If you’re going to be my new Westlake Park playmate, you’ll need to understand my super complicated schedule. Don’t worry, I’ve made it easy with this handy guide!
Mondays: Soccer Jail
Available for play? ❌ Not even if you bribed me with unlimited pudding cups
Mondays are the worst. THE. WORST. My mom makes me play soccer, which I hate more than:
- That feeling when fish scales stick to your fingers
- When adults say “you’ll understand when you’re older”
- Brushing my hair after it gets tangled in monkey bars (and that’s saying something!)
It’s not that I’m bad at sports – I can do a backflip dismount from the monkey bars, thank you very much. Soccer is just… boring. All that running around for what? To kick a ball? Give me climbing, swinging, and hanging upside down any day!
Wednesdays: Dad’s Kitchen Disasters
Available for play? ❌ Unless you want to help me survive my dad’s “experimental cooking”
Every Wednesday I go to my dad’s apartment. The good part? I get to laugh at his terrible cooking (last week he made “spaghetti” that was basically ketchup on bread). The bad part? No time for proper playdates.
Sometimes we go to the park, but he always makes us leave early because he’s scared I’ll “overdo it” (translation: he gets nervous when I do my signature double-knee hang). Maybe if I find an ultra-responsible playmate who can promise not to let me break any bones, he’ll relax a bit…
Fridays: Grandparent Escape Plan
Available for play? ✅ Sometimes – if the stars align (and the pool is closed)
Fridays are with Nana and Papa in their building. The pool is usually open, which means swimming (not playing). BUT when the pool is closed (which happens a lot because of “maintenance issues”), and when Nana says I’m “too full of beans” (translation: driving her crazy), I can sometimes sneak in playtime.
This used to be guaranteed fun time with my old playmate Eleanor, but now she’s always either:
- At synagogue preparing for her Bat Mitzvah
- Talking about some boy named Jacob (gross)
- Both at the same time (how is that even possible?)
So now Fridays are hit or miss. But if you live near Nana and Papa’s (Westlake Park apartments, building C), and you’re free when the pool is mysteriously “broken” again… we might be in business!
The Golden Hours: Tuesdays & Thursdays
Available for play? ✅✅✅ After 4pm = monkey bar paradise!
Now for the good news! Every Tuesday and Thursday after school (when the clock strikes 4), I’m 100% available for:
- Monkey bar marathons
- Dirt castle construction
- Extreme tag (the kind where you have to climb obstacles)
- Testing how many cheese crackers you can eat while upside down
These are the sacred hours when I don’t have soccer torture, dad’s weird meatloaf, or religious obligations. Just pure, uninterrupted playtime with someone who won’t suddenly decide boys are more interesting than backflips (looking at you, Eleanor).
Pro Tip: If your schedule matches mine (Tues/Thurs after 4 at Westlake Park), and you meet my other very reasonable requirements (see next chapter!), we might just become the ultimate playground duo!
The Ultimate Playmate Checklist
Monkey Bars Skill Certification
Let’s get real about monkey bars competency levels—this is serious business at Westlake Park. Here’s how I rank potential candidates:
- Plastic Tier: Can hang for 5 seconds before yelling “My hands hurt!” (Sorry, we won’t vibe)
- Bronze Level: Makes it across without crying (Decent start)
- Silver Standard: Can do the “spider crawl” upside down (Now we’re talking!)
- Gold Status: Performs dismounts with names like “The Squirrel Drop” or “Skydiver Bailout” (Hello, future best friend!)
- Legendary: Teaches ME new tricks while chewing bubblegum (You’re hired!)
Pro Tip: If you can watch me attempt a backflip dismount without running to tattle, that’s automatic after school playmate in Westlake material right there.
Personality Compatibility Test
Mud Tolerance Evaluation
We’ll be conducting kids activities near Westlake Park that may involve:
- Digging “secret tunnels” near the big oak tree
- Testing how many mud pies fit in your pockets
- Emergency “who can get dirtier in 10 minutes” challenges
Automatic Fail: Anyone who whines about ruined shoes or asks for hand sanitizer mid-game.
Dress Code Disclaimer
Important requirement for how to find friends for kids like me:
- Dresses: Instant friendship dealbreaker (They get tangled in monkey bars anyway)
- Acceptable: Dinosaur shirts, animal pajama pants, or anything with pockets for acorn collections
Boy Talk Allergy Scan
Red flags include:
- Mentioning “crushes” more than twice per playdate
- Saying “That’s boy stuff!” about worms/lizards/burping contests
- Bringing up TikTok dances instead of planning our next treehouse raid
Hidden Bonus Skills
These aren’t required but will earn you fun play ideas for 9 year olds brownie points:
- Dog Whistle Whisperer: Can summon at least 3 neighborhood dogs by name
- Snack Scientist: Knows how to mix gummy worms into popcorn for “alien brain salad”
- Grass Ring Master: Makes jewelry from dandelions and clover (Eleanor used to be good at this before The Great Boy Craze of 2023)
- Emergency Comedian: Can turn any awkward silence into giggles with:
- Impressive armpit fart symphonies
- Dramatic retellings of cafeteria food fights
- Spot-on impressions of grumpy crossing guards
The Official Tooting Hilarity Exam
Final screening question for all monkey bars tricks buddy applicants:
Scenario: You’re hanging upside down when suddenly—PRRRT! What’s your reaction?
- A) Pretend nothing happened (Boring)
- B) Blame the nearest squirrel (Creative but dishonest)
- C) Immediately try to outdo it with your own sound effects (PERFECT MATCH)
- D) Get embarrassed and want to go home (Why are you even reading this?)
Remember: The best playmates on Tuesdays understand that bodily functions are nature’s comedy special. If you picked C, have your grown-up email me using the subject line “Monkey Bars Mastermind”—include your best trick idea and we’ll test it out this Thursday after 4!
The Rise and Fall of Eleanor S.: A Cautionary Tale
Let me tell you about my former Friday hero – Eleanor S. We used to be the ultimate monkey bar duo at Nana’s building. Every Friday like clockwork, we’d race to the playground the second my grandparents said “Go play!”. Eleanor could hang upside down longer than anyone I knew (except me, obviously), and we invented the famous “Double Banana Peel” move where we’d both drop simultaneously while making fart noises. Perfect scores every time.
Then… everything changed when the Bat Mitzvah attacked.
The Great Betrayal
It started small last fall. “Can’t play this Friday,” Eleanor would say, “Hebrew school.” I didn’t mind at first – extra practice time for my backflip dismounts. But then came The Jacob Incident. One Friday I caught her staring at some boy from her synagogue instead of spotting my new corkscrew spin. When I called her out, she actually said: “Monkey bars are juvenile, Emily. Jacob says real teenagers hang out at the smoothie place.”
The New Rules
After surviving this friendship apocalypse, I’ve established crucial playmate protection policies:
- The 3-Week Observation Period: Any new playmate must prove they can prioritize monkey bars over:
- Religious events
- Romantic interests
- “Mature” activities (defined as anything involving hair products)
- The Eleanor Test: Randomly during playdates, I’ll ask:
“If Jacob from Hebrew school invited you for smoothies RIGHT NOW, would you…”
✅ Keep hanging upside down with me
❌ Abandon ship for allegedly “better” company - Emergency Backup Protocol: All playmates must provide:
- One guaranteed alternate Friday friend (cousins/siblings acceptable)
- Written notice 48 hours before any Bat Mitzvah-related disappearances
Silver Linings Playbook
Losing Eleanor did have benefits:
- My “Hanging Time” personal record increased from 8 to 11 minutes (anger is great cardio)
- Discovered Nana’s building has an even better playmate candidate: Mr. Whiskers, the maintenance guy’s tabby cat who judges my tricks without complaining about boys
- Realized I want friends who think “growing up” means mastering the Iron Cross, not sipping kale smoothies
So future playmates, consider this your official warning: the monkey bars are sacred ground. If your idea of fun is trading playground time for anything involving (a) religion (b) romance or (c) beverages containing chia seeds, we might not be the dream team you’re looking for.
How to Apply (And Prove You’re Monkey Bar Material)
If you’ve made it this far and still think we’d be the ultimate after school playmate duo, here’s how to officially apply:
- The Grown-Up Step: Tell your parent/guardian to email my mom (subject line: Monkey Bar Master Application). They should include:
- Your best monkey bars trick (bonus points if it involves hanging upside down)
- Your official stance on tooting jokes (use the 1-10 hilariousness scale)
- Which Westlake Park playground equipment you’d defend in a zombie apocalypse
- The Ultimate Test: If selected, you’ll face your final challenge during our first playdate:
- Sing Baby Shark while doing a monkey bars traverse (extra credit for dramatic vibrato)
- Create a mud pie masterpiece within 5 minutes (judged on creativity, not cleanliness)
- Identify at least 3 cloud shapes that look like animals (no cheating—that’s clearly a llama, not a dog)
- Emergency Snack Protocol: Always bring backup gummy bears. This is non-negotiable.
For Parents/Caregivers
🔒 Safety & Logistics
Location: All playdates occur at Westlake Park’s main playground (specifically the blue monkey bars near the third bench).
Supervision: – Initial meetings require parent/guardian presence (after 3 successful playdates, we can negotiate independence) – Activity radius limited to playground + adjacent picnic area (with walkie-talkie check-ins every 30 mins) Contact Protocol: – Use the encrypted email above (no personal phone numbers exchanged initially) – Include your child’s allergies/medical needs in first email (e.g., “Can do backflips but carries an EpiPen for bees”)
Weather Policy: – Rain = automatic reschedule (unless you enjoy mudslides more than slides) – Below 40°F = hot cocoa summit at the park café instead
Final Note: If you show up wearing a dress, I will challenge you to a handstand contest. Consider yourself warned. Monkey bars or bust! 🐒✨